3 Unexpected Experiences From Pregnancy

Learning how to ride the emotional rollercoaster, and other stories

If we’re thinking about transition points, I think one of the most obvious ones that a person can go through is pregnancy.  From it starting off as a secret to most others, to people leaping out of their seats on public transport to accommodate, it’s a journey.  Sometimes the journey feels like it’s speeding along because, how can you ever prepare for how your life is going to change and when are you going to have time to test drive all the prams?

Sometimes it feels like it’s the longest journey you’ve ever been on and surely there’s been some sort of mistake and you are actually experiencing the gestational period of the majestic elephant.

Whatever speed you’re currently experiencing though, it’s certainly a memorable time and outside of the predictable head-over-the toilet-clicking-hips-swollen-ankles side of the journey, there are also some more unexpected things that can happen.  I’ve certainly had my share of bizarre experiences.  For example, I look back fondly at the security guard for a Dubai-based attraction taking one look at me, deciding I couldn’t possibly queue in my state and frog marching me past the row of waiting people shouting “preg-nant, preg-nant” at the top of his voice, whilst I simultaneously felt acute embarrassment and thrill at the approved queue jump. 

Outside of the overly zealous bouncer, I’ve had a think about three other notable experiences I’ve had while navigating the transitional time of pregnancy.  While somewhat unexpected to me, I think they’re fairly common, so I’ve included what I found helpful when going through them.

Receiving Unsolicited Advice

Oh, people have opinions, don’t they? I’m afraid to say that if you’re experiencing this, then don’t expect it to get any better any time soon.  Pregnancy can actually be seen as the training ground for receiving and processing unsolicited advice, as once the baby is here then it can often feel like it’s open season on people throwing their opinions your way.  If we’re looking through the lens of positive intent, perhaps I could be kind and say people are only trying to help - but it’s a tricky balancing act, especially if you’re feeling a tad vulnerable anyway.  

Advice can arrive at any moment and it can come from strangers just as regularly as friends and family.  I’ve had sales assistants give their opinion on my delivery method and baristas tell me they’ll make my coffee a decaf and it can make you feel on high alert against being judged for your choices.  However, I’ve also had people tell me that sushi is fine, to have a second glass of wine and that I must try the blue cheese - and this ‘just relax’ attitude can be just as stressful.  To be honest, the only advice I actually ever enjoyed came from my pre-natal pilates teacher and that was more to do with the way she imparted her knowledge.  “Ladies, we are going to pulse with our right leg first.  Now, once a year I leave my children with their grandparents and go away with just my husband.  It’s very important for a happy marriage.  And switch legs. Make sure that he has time on his own with the children so he can see how hard it is.  And squeeze!”

There are risks and rewards throughout pregnancy and child rearing and I’m not here to say that you shouldn’t listen at all to others who have gone through these experiences before you, even if they’re not wearing lycra and balancing on an exercise ball. 

My suggestion (which I sincerely hope isn’t unsolicited) is to do some research, decide on your personal level of comfort with whatever it is you’re contemplating and then set some boundaries that you feel able to uphold. 

For me, it involved buying Emily Oster’s book Expecting Better (where myths about pregnancy are debunked through data), deciding that my morning coffee could remain caffeinated and then practicing an easily accessible phrase I could use if someone challenged me.  “Ok, thanks for that” and then changing the subject often worked for me in numerous situations (although if you can say that phrase without sounding incredibly passive aggressive then you’re a better person than me).

Experiencing an Emotional Rollercoaster

I think most people are prepared for an emotional rollercoaster during pregnancy and beyond but… oh wow.  I think it’s a great example of the difference between cognitively anticipating that something will be difficult…and then actually experiencing it, which is something that can be said for a lot of the parenting journey.  You can understand that you will produce more estrogen during pregnancy than throughout your entire life outside of it… and then you can experience what that does to your mood.  

For me, the biggest surprise in my first pregnancy came at 38 weeks, while I was unashamedly watching the final series of Friends.  I don’t want to be accused of giving away any spoilers but… Rachel gets off the plane.  I knew this already, because it happened about 20 years ago and I watched it when I was at school.  Did this stop me from sobbing uncontrollable tears during that scene? No, no it did not.  Did it happen to be at the exact time a Deliveroo driver arrived with my lunch? Yes, yes it did.  And as he backed away slowly my husband appeared and immediately thought I’d gone into labor.  I had to tell him, through my tears, that I was in fact crying because “she got off the plane”.  As he slowly managed to work out that the “she” in question was a fictional character from a somewhat problematic sitcom from the 00s, I could see that he was both concerned for my emotional well-being and also trying very hard to suppress his amusement.  Luckily for him, I could also see the funny side, but even though I knew it was because of my hormones, I was somewhat powerless in their wake.   

I think having an understanding that your usual coping mechanisms may not quite cut it for your entire pregnancy and postpartum period is helpful. 

Understanding that there are all manner of weird and wonderful things going on in your body can be useful knowledge and for me, I found some comfort in realizing that there probably wasn’t an answer to what would help me feel better in that moment, except time, patience and an appreciation that ‘this too shall pass’.  I’ll leave you to decide whether rewatching nostalgic shows from your youth is helpful or not.

Being Surprised by Your Partner

If you’re going through pregnancy with a partner, you might be surprised by some of the things that you find out about them.  You might both be on the journey together, but your experiences are likely to be a little different.  My husband said he would be in a meeting and suddenly remember that I was pregnant, whereas I would be in a meeting, breathing slowly and waiting for the nausea to pass.  

Our doctor had told us that ante-natal classes were “more for the men, really.” Apparently, as the pregnant party in the relationship, I would probably know most of it anyway.  Always keen for an education, I eagerly attended the classes and assumed that I would have a broadly similar base level of knowledge as my husband.  Not to throw him under the bus, but some of the more alarming things I discovered that he learnt during the classes were that lying on your back is not the only option during childbirth and that the baby does in fact not grow inside the placenta.  While a midwife explained what to do if your baby experienced thrush during breastfeeding he whispered to me - “but not for boys, right?” and while I whispered back “the mouth, babe” in a kind voice, inside I was wondering who on earth I had married.  

It’s important to remember that you’re going through a period of change together and you’ll excel at different things. 

My husband was perhaps less aware than I had anticipated about some of the more biological aspects of pregnancy, but he fitted the isofix car seat much more quickly than I could have done and meticulously planned our route back from the hospital to avoid the more congested roads.  Obviously some things are unacceptable, but attempting to see that you and your partner having different strengths and weaknesses as a positive rather than a reason for despair is probably the option to aim for here.  

Final Thoughts

If any of these experiences resonate then I hope that you too have methods for getting through it, whether it’s arming yourself with knowledge, understanding that all emotions are transitory or being able to laugh ‘with’ rather than ‘at’ your partner.  Those nine months truly are an emotional rollercoaster, but just think about the poor elephants.

If you have any advice about dealing with advice (!) please drop it in the comments below. Or, if you're looking for additional ways you can be supported in your pregnancy and beyond, check out how Together We work with parents like you.

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